It's been over a month since I last wrote on here. I know that some of you have been eagerly anticipating my insights into this job, my ray of positivity in an otherwise dimly-lit field and something to make you feel good about as you go on with your day.
I hope that I'll get back to that style of writing soon.
Since I last wrote, a lot has changed. Simply put, things are not going well our here in Washington.
Oh yeah, it's going to be one of those posts. Get out while you can.
I started this blog as a way for me to express my feelings about life, specifically regarding teaching. Today, and over the past couple of weeks, I haven't written a lot because it has been extremely tough out here and I didn't want to bring anyone down with it. However, I need to vent, and I feel like writing, so here it goes.
I will preface this extremely negative post with the following: I have been told multiple times from a variety of sources (all in some way related to education) that November is by far the hardest month for teachers. November has been described as "the terrible month," the time when the new-ness of the school year has worn down, push back from students reaches its peak and exhaustion from the "daily grind" sets in. Mostly, November was a month that we were not supposed to enjoy, but simply navigate our way through. At the beginning of the month, I didn't buy into the hype. Now, I do. November sucks. A lot. However, I feel like a lot of the reasons I'm feeling "blue" are different than the reasons other people in my program are. Listed below are my thoughts and things I just need to get off my chest and onto a computer screen.
My School
Typical urban teacher problems of uncontrolled kids and disorganization at the administrative level are non-existent for me. The school that I'm at is great, on the surface. It posts the best test scores in the city and does a lot of things right. I have not lost sight of those things. However, what it really comes down to is that I wanted to become a teacher to make a difference. Honestly, I don't really feel needed at my school. The school is fine, and is going to be fine with or without me. The role of myself and the other UTC residents at my school is not that of teachers, but instead of interns. While UTC mandates that we were to be teaching full lessons by the end of November, we have not started planning lessons yet. While other UTC residents are doing small-group lessons, pull-outs, parent visits and phone calls home, we are relegated to the occasional introduction to a lesson, grading papers and setting up random events around the school. At other schools around the city, UTC residents are valued for our trained backgrounds, knowledgeable insight and intense preparation and selection to get into the program. I feel like at my school, I am viewed as someone who has no idea what they are doing. I'm not saying that I know it all (not even close), but at the same time I definitely know that I am not someone who can only handle the most mundane of tasks. For not getting paid at all this year, I feel like there are a lot better things I could be doing that would serve as a greater benefit to society. Ultimately, that's what I'm in it for.
I'm 90% sure these feelings will change if I am offered a full-time position at the school next year, but for now, I feel caged (Josh Cribbs reference for you Browns fans - I didn't forget about you). I just want to help. Maybe I am, but I do leave a lot of days feeling frustrated that I can't do more.
In addition to this, the kids are so disrespectful here. So disrespectful. This isn't directly applied to my school, but across all the schools we are working at as a program. I would think that they would have some sort of knowledge that in as little as ten years ago, NO ONE willingly came to these schools. No one. The fact that people are eager to come in and help, to turn it around, and to give them something better than what they have grown up with would seem to be a natural point of respect and humility. Nope. There is such little respect for teachers that I am not surprised that there is such high burnout among teachers in these areas. A lot of teachers here work so hard to do what we came here to do, working longer hours and doing more than you would in schools that are better off - which is fine. That is what we signed up for. What makes it harder is that constant push back to what we try to do to help. A couple days to figure out what you can get from a teacher is natural - I did it, you did it, and everyone in every school does it. But this push back has been going on for months - literally the entire school year up to this point. It's exhausting.
My City
DC sucks. I have never been in a more overrated city in my entire life. Furthermore, I have not spent an extended amount of time (read: more than one day) in a city that I disliked so much. Everyone says, "oh yeah, DC is great, it's so much fun there!" No, it's not. Do not move to DC. The entire city is essentially a power struggle, with people looking to move their way up. In that way, I guess DC would be cool if you had the money for it to be cool. But it's not a city like Chicago or New York, or even Columbus, where you can simply enjoy being in the city without doing anything in the city. If you're not in the know, you're not worth knowing. Everything is extremely expensive - DC has the second highest standard of living in the country outside of Manhattan - but for what? A couple monuments? The opportunity to brush shoulders with some sketchy politician who has spent their whole lives kissing other people's asses to move up the ladder? No, it's for the opportunity to say that you did it and feel a little better about yourself when the guy next to you says he rents out his shitty apartment for only $2,000/month as opposed to $3,000. Haha, he's so poor! The people here are not genuine or even nice, the "social" areas aren't anything special, and there is no sense of identity to the city. Here's a fun fact about DC: NO ONE IS ACTUALLY FROM HERE. Think about it: when's the last time you ever heard someone say, "I'm so proud to be from DC." What other major city in the world does not have an identity? People are not from here, but they come here to make money for 2-4 years, and then they get out, never looking back. This city is not a home, it's a resting place.
Also, I miss buildings. Skylines are awesome. DC has some dumb law saying buildings can't be over a certain height in the city - maybe around 10 stories - because it's a security risk. Yeah, DC, you're so much more important than every other major city in the US that your buildings can't be tall. Why not apply this law to every other US city? Are you really just that concerned about yourself, DC? "Screw you guys, you can be at risk - but we're cool! Now I'm going to sip a $8,000 bottle of champagne while renting out my $4,000/month apartment, just because I can. DC!"
I keep waiting for DC to pop out at me, and to have a moment of realization where I can say, "Oh yeah, THIS is why people love DC." However, I'm pretty sure I've seen it all. I've gone to the museums, monuments, social areas and done everything that is "authentic" to DC. As I do more and more of these things, I'm pretty sure that my feelings about this place aren't going to change. Even better news: I'm going to be here until I'm 26!
My Social Life
I don't know anyone here. I'd say there only a handful of people in DC that I genuinely care about, and only a few I would enjoy having a beer with. I was kind of banking on this program that I'm in to lead me towards expanding my social base, but that hasn't really worked out for me at all. I will say, though, that I need to take it upon myself to be more proactive about being social. It's obvious at this point that friends are not going to fall into my lap out here, so it's up to me at this point if I'm going to stay miserable and lonely in the big city or make some changes. Recently, I have taken to the inter-webs and used social networks like MeetUp and Reddit to try to branch out. The results of these efforts is unclear at this point. What is clear, though, is that I currently don't have an outlet from teaching. One of the best things about college for me was that no matter how bad my day was, I got incredibly lucky to have roommates that I could go home to and just be dumb with - watching awful Netflix movies, playing video games, drinking, etc. We all left our schoolwork in the classroom/library and that was that. Here, that is not the case. I am literally surrounded by people in the field of education wherever I go. I need to find a way to change that, because it's suffocating. Work is taking over my life, and that can't happen to anyone who attempts to maintain a sense of sanity (in my opinion).
Miscellaneous
All the things I have written about before this post come in conjunction to the fact that my dad died earlier this year. Everything I mentioned above, compounded with the death of your surest sense of stability, biggest role model and one of your closest friends completely disappears from your life unexpectedly is not a good combination. If dealing with my dad dying wasn't hard enough on its own (it is), I'm not happy with anything else going on in my life.
In addition to all of this, I am going through many of the traditional troubles of a recent college grad, including being seriously apart from my family for the first time. While in Columbus, I was only 2 hours away - a very do-able commute. Now, at six hours away, visits home are much more difficult to have. I'm also away from a place where I had a surplus of friends and fun at Ohio State, which I took for granted for four years. It's also the place where I have felt most comfortable with everything surrounding me in my entire life. It was there one day, and gone the next, replaced with DC and everything that comes along with it.
Last Words
So, what it all comes down to is that I'm pretty much living in a worst-case scenario. That is absolutely excessively dramatic and hyperbolic, but I don't care, it's how I feel at this present moment.
Stepping away from that, I do know there are a lot of things that I have going for me - I have a job, I have family, and I have friends, even if they aren't geographically close to me. I also have an education food, shelter, and a place to let my feelings to be heard (you guys). That's a lot. However, I did not anticipate so many things going wrong when I came out here, and that is so frustrating. As I said before, the ball is now in my court. I have to decide whether or not I'm going to continue to be miserable or do something about it. There's a lot that has to change, and there's a lot that will need to change. Hopefully, this change comes sooner rather than later.
I will also say that this post is in no way an indication that I am close to quitting my job out here. Am I not as happy as I was at OSU? Absolutely. Am I extremely frustrated with how this portion of my life has started out? Yes, very. However, I refuse to let myself quit half-way through a year, or 1/8 of the way through the program that I committed to. I owe it to myself, my family, and everyone that believed in me and supported me through everything I have gone through to get to the spot I am in now to stick this thing out. Most importantly, I owe it to these kids to give them a sense of stability and someone that refuses to quit on them, no matter how bad it is.
I guess this is what a quarter-life crisis feels like. Or maybe not. I'm not sure. Either way, things aren't going according to plan, and that's bad. If you've made it this far, I've probably put a damper on your day, so I'd like to apologize for that. It was just something I had to get out, and I do feel better about it already even if my situation hasn't changed.
Hopefully, you won't be seeing a post like this from me again any time soon, or at all, as long as I keep this thing up. Here's to hoping the good vibes make their return soon.
BD
